Thursday, April 28, 2011

Nursing Broken Heart, Dreaming Big for Jesus

Hi friends. :)

It's been a little while. My heart has been hurting (very normal after a break-up I s'pose), and what with feeling so emotionally raw, I have not been sure whether I should or shouldn't write. On the one hand, vulnerability and honesty is a beautiful thing, and we could certainly use more of it in this world.  On the other hand, I don't want to complain or be unsatisfied with the Lord - he really is my joy and strength. And I want to remain unoffended and fully dedicate my heart to him, even though it's a little bit bruised these days. And so, I haven't written much in my personal journal, or called very many of my friends to talk about it. I deactivated my facebook account (which was actually prior to the break-up, and more because I wanted to re-focus on God and had been feeling distracted by social media, but now I certainly don't feel like reactivating it anytime soon).

There is a conflict going on within my soul...
1) One current: I feel God reawakening dreams of revival - I know he is lighting me on fire all over again and taking me to new realms of creative ideas and creative energy. I seem to be making connections left and right of people who are hungry for a move of God in this area. I'm getting together to pray with a few people on Sunday. One of my besties, Emily, is on the same page with me, and together we're coming up with so many ideas - we think these might be downloads from heaven, strategies from our Father - on how to reach our generation of 20 somethings in this area. WOOHOO!!!  I wanna see a MOVE OF GOD! I want to see a city transformed by the love of JESUS! YEAH!
2) The countercurrent: Part of me wants to clam up and be mad at God that he "let this happen to me" when he is so all-powerful and all-loving. I'm mad that I let some boy into my heart, I'm mad that I'm 24 and still have so much to figure out. I'm mad that it doesn't seem like I was worth fighting for.  In agony, in pain, in turmoil.  And my work has suffered for it, as well as other things. You should see my room right now. Utter disaster. Reflects the disaster in my own heart right now.

Sigh - do see the war for my soul? for my future? for my trust in Jesus?

He is my faithful bridegroom king - I need him and him alone. And THAT, is beautiful truth...

This vid - the whole thing - is amazing.  Watch it!  It's Kim Walker-Smith talking about worship and connection with God.  The part that is ministering to me the most right now begins at 6:28 - having an offended heart that eats us alive and keeps us from worshiping God with abandon...

"More than I want answers, I want YOU!"

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Dear Friends

The reason I was gone for a while was because I started getting to know a young man, and then we started dating, and that took up a lot of time and a lot of my thought life, too.

Well, two days ago, we ended things.

Does my heart hurt?

Oh, so so so much.

That's heartbreak #2 within just under one year. I didn't tell you about heartbreak #1, mostly because it is such a complex, crazy, beautiful, painful, mystery that lasted for four unbelievable years of so many laughs and so many dreams and so many tears... it's a bittersweet story that Jesus allowed me to live through so that he could teach me so much about his lavish love.

And when I started this blog, it was still so fresh. I started the blog because I needed an outlet for my passion for Jesus, and I had lost my best friend and my first love, and could no longer share with him on this level. And so, then boyfriend #2 came along. And he was a man who deeply loved Jesus and was just a totally different guy. The first one was wild and crazy and passionate for life. The second one was calm and restful and contemplative. They were both precious men. I've dated a couple of really precious guys. It feels good to look back and know that. But you know what?! You can date the most AMAZING guys, and then they still break your heart!

GAAAHHH - ladies, why do we go through heartbreak? Isn't it just so hard?!

But I'm holding out for *him*...for the man that will love me with abandon and lay his life down me. If this young man couldn't do it, then that's okay. He doesn't HAVE to be the one....I would rather us not pursue things any further if that's the case. I don't believe in dating just to date.

But it still hurts pretty bad.

So here I am again - just me and Jesus....and it's going to be okay. It's going to be more than okay. It's going to be amazing.

The Bridegroom King is writing a story with my life.

I hold on to HOPE.