Thursday, April 28, 2011

Nursing Broken Heart, Dreaming Big for Jesus

Hi friends. :)

It's been a little while. My heart has been hurting (very normal after a break-up I s'pose), and what with feeling so emotionally raw, I have not been sure whether I should or shouldn't write. On the one hand, vulnerability and honesty is a beautiful thing, and we could certainly use more of it in this world.  On the other hand, I don't want to complain or be unsatisfied with the Lord - he really is my joy and strength. And I want to remain unoffended and fully dedicate my heart to him, even though it's a little bit bruised these days. And so, I haven't written much in my personal journal, or called very many of my friends to talk about it. I deactivated my facebook account (which was actually prior to the break-up, and more because I wanted to re-focus on God and had been feeling distracted by social media, but now I certainly don't feel like reactivating it anytime soon).

There is a conflict going on within my soul...
1) One current: I feel God reawakening dreams of revival - I know he is lighting me on fire all over again and taking me to new realms of creative ideas and creative energy. I seem to be making connections left and right of people who are hungry for a move of God in this area. I'm getting together to pray with a few people on Sunday. One of my besties, Emily, is on the same page with me, and together we're coming up with so many ideas - we think these might be downloads from heaven, strategies from our Father - on how to reach our generation of 20 somethings in this area. WOOHOO!!!  I wanna see a MOVE OF GOD! I want to see a city transformed by the love of JESUS! YEAH!
2) The countercurrent: Part of me wants to clam up and be mad at God that he "let this happen to me" when he is so all-powerful and all-loving. I'm mad that I let some boy into my heart, I'm mad that I'm 24 and still have so much to figure out. I'm mad that it doesn't seem like I was worth fighting for.  In agony, in pain, in turmoil.  And my work has suffered for it, as well as other things. You should see my room right now. Utter disaster. Reflects the disaster in my own heart right now.

Sigh - do see the war for my soul? for my future? for my trust in Jesus?

He is my faithful bridegroom king - I need him and him alone. And THAT, is beautiful truth...

This vid - the whole thing - is amazing.  Watch it!  It's Kim Walker-Smith talking about worship and connection with God.  The part that is ministering to me the most right now begins at 6:28 - having an offended heart that eats us alive and keeps us from worshiping God with abandon...

"More than I want answers, I want YOU!"

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